I know what it is... I know what the crux of the problem is now. I'm scared to death of making mistakes. Thats not all... I'm afraid of making mistakes and then making a fool out of myself. Its only recently that I've learnt that if you keep worrying about reputation, you won't go anywhere.
And then there's the matter of pride to deal with as well. Maybe its not so bad. But why is it somedays I feel that I'm good for nothing? When being 'talented' means nothing. Thats taking for granted that I'm even worthy to be called talented... It means nothing. It will not give you an income... It will not put food on the table.

But where is your faith, daryl?
Shall I dare to tread here? Am I even allowed to rely on God for this? Then what difference is there between the lazy good-for-nothing who trusts God to provide and myself? Where is this line drawn? What are the rules? The guidelines? Or do I just do as those who have gone before have done? They turned out fine... Better than fine even. But I don't want to claim to be living in faith and then botching my life up and being a bad testimony to God.

A constant distraction... Not that I don't like it or don't want it. But its a distraction nonetheless... I have a long time to think about it. In the end, it has to withstand the test of time. Its sweet, but uncertainty spoils the flavour. Don't lie to yourself... You know its still there.

Your words... They mean nothing to me. You are not worth my time nor effort. I can't tell anymore what it is you want and I don't think you can either... So continue to 'seek' God... Go ahead. After all. You are your own man. No one can tell you what to do. Not the older nor the wiser... You know best. Especially when you have 'sought after' God.

My parents are leaving for the US in a few hours... I'm staying up to send them off. Maybe I'm grouchy. Maybe I'm jealous(of several people). Maybe I'm selfish.
Happy Valentine's Day.